I'm coming to a fork in the road, a slight stand-still, in my personal journey through life - I can either change or continue on this path. I'm desparate for a change. This past year has been very tough emotionally on me. I've been very unhappy in some areas of my life that I have NO CONTROL over. As a person who likes control, schedule and routine it's been horribly painful and hard.
For the past 2 weeks I've cried at the drop of a hat...OFTEN. It's time to stop laying on the side of the road, curled into a fetal position and get up and get going. Because this year has been so hard on me I've let some things go, one of them is close friendships. Due to my husbands new and unpredictable work schedule we had to temporarily give up having a small group in our home. Well, the temporary turned into a long-term thing. We let friendships and having fun fall down on our priority list. I have gone into a pattern of just maintaining daily life...going from check list to check list...and even that has gotten tough. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm mad and I've felt like throwing in the towel. I'm not happy! There I said it. In the back of my mind I wonder, why don't I have the joy of the Lord?!?! I'm a living breathing child of God - I did nothing to deserve Him, nothing to earn it, didn't ask for it. Yet my loving Father God handed over his precious son Jesus to die...die a horrible death, just so I could no longer be separated by my sin. Sheesh...that alone is BIG - HUGE!!!
I love receiving gifts, love when people think of me, love seeing what they thought I would love. Some of my favorite gifts ever received are "A Steven for a Day Coupon" that my brother made me, actually I got 5 of them. They are funny, original and all mine! There is a little girl at church who often has brought me her prized Tinkerbell possessions and handed them to me to keep...because she knows I love Tinkerbell. I'm blessed with so many other gifts, but those gifts cost nothing to the person, just thinking of me. Wow. Just thinking of this brings me to tears....and God did so much more. Where's my joy?!?
When you go into a holding pattern, nothing clicks, nothing works. The simplest tasks take the most energy. I'm currently enrolled and taking some classes. These classes are self-paced with a time-line of 9 months for each one. At the beginning of this summer I set a goal to complete one class every 3 weeks. It's been 8 weeks and I've only completed 6 chapters of one class. The guilt has weighed me down. I've lost drive, determination and a little of myself. I have all the time in the world and can't accomplish anything outside of daily survival mode. Where did I go, what happened to ME!?!
I don't sleep well, I waste a lot of time doing mindless things, I've lost patience with myself and others...put this all together and it's not a great combo. Sometimes I don't even want to be around me.
I knew I couldn't continue like this, but didn't know what to do. I went to God asking for friendships and He provided an opportunity to join a women's Bible Study/Book club 2 Saturdays a month. I went to my first one last week and cried through the whole thing. The leader of the group has been on a similar journey and was sharing her story and it was ME! These wonderful ladies stopped everything and prayed for me. I couldn't speak, they didn't know exactly what was going on, but the Holy Spirit led them to pray words I needed to hear. Ironically the study we're doing is "The Search for Me" by Kristie Kerr. So appropriate, since I've lost my identity in Christ, lost who I am in Christ...when I lost that, I lost my purpose and truths in Christs love. I can't wait for this study, to draw closer to God, to unload some baggage I put on myself and form new friendships.
Also in talking with a friend she mentioned a book she read that helped her. I rarely purchase a book - I love the library. But I couldn't stop thinking of this book and the library didn't have it. I wanted to order it online, but it'd take too long. I ended up paying for it at a book store and reading it in 2 sittings. This book really spoke to me, I relate closely to the Israelites wandering in the desert, and not remembering all that God had done for them - they keep forgetting and then start whining again. The book is called The Land Between by Jeff Manion. It relates our disappointments to those Israelites and how God brings new life in the most barren times, if only we learn and apply his truths to our lives.
I've been reading the story of Job...again. Job is the hardest story in the Bible for me. I don't get it..on so many levels. I don't get how in all of that pain and suffering he didn't sin against God. I feel like he goes on and on an on and on. All those words and none of it was bad. This time I'm reading it just the parts where Job is speaking or defending. It doesn't matter what the people around him say to him, I want to know his perspective. I've read Job 10 times in the past 2 years, in different versions (NIV, ESV and The Message...even kids Bibles) and I'm still not sure I get it. If anyone can recommend a good study guide or blog or commentary I would love it. Anyways, I will continue on my fact finding mission.
The other morning I woke up with the song title "I surrender all" in my brain. It was a whisper through my head and it hasn't left me. I've been singing it to myself since.
Just this morning I woke up with a whisper, hearing "I will supply all your needs according to Jesus." Thank you for God's whispers of love to me in the morning. I didn't know where it was in the Bible, but I found it. The whole book of Philippians 4 should be my mantra.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need. Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account. I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
I still have a ways to go in this process, but I'm thankful for God's promises, hope and truths. I can not change my circumstances...or control them. The only thing I can do is surrender it to God and know that He will meet all my needs. I have a few other things that I need to do to, but that's for another post. I've opened myself up tremendously and as someone who is currently taking everything personally, because my emotions are so raw, I hope that people remember to be kind to one another.
Things I'm thankful for:
-God
-My loyal, patient, steady husband
-An amazing job in ministry
-An amazing church
-Wonderful family
-My health
-My home
-Laughter
-Creativity
-Chocolate
